This morning my coworker and great friend made a comment about my photo on my work badge. She said you can tell a lot in my face that I've lost weight. I kindly said thank you and then proceeded to stare at it for the longest time. It's a terrible picture of me (aren't all work pics bad?), and does nothing to compliment my acne free skin (thank you birth control!).I've lost almost 30 lbs since taking this picture, that's what she was referring to. It does however accent the huge double chin I have and the fat cheeks. When I look in a mirror I still see this person. Perhaps it is from years of being a big girl, and perhaps it will take me a long time to see the changes happening. I've done a lot of research prior to surgery about the side effects of surgery. The dismorphia people experience as well as the depression that can come with it. I can't help but feel like I might have some of that going on. I don't feel smaller, I don't feel cuter and I don't feel it working. Now, I'm not trying to be all Debbie Downer over here, just speaking my mind. :-)
I'm sure there will be a time when I feel beautiful, thinner and more confident. I wish it would come the hell on. LOL. Today is what I call a "FAT DAY". My hands are a little swollen from the saltiness of my eggs this morning, and I just feel blah. Like I want to put on my sweats and become one with the couch until there are couch sores on my ass. I don't want to fake smile at people today or talk about their kids baby pictures. I just want to keep to myself today and that is rare because I'm a people person.
So here I sit, in my little cubicle that I often call my "office", swollen, hungry and a little melancholy. The only excitement I can muster is wishing I was home to post the pics from my awesome dinner last night so you all can enjoy its deliciousness like I did.
Hugs and kisses to all the ladies and gents (Hi Uncle Jon!). Thanks for being my sounding board and my friends. Without you, this journey might feel impossible.
3 comments:
Well coo coo bird, you are gorgeous. I actually glanced at your profile pic while you were badmouthing yourself and thought she must be insane bc you got it going on! It is an interesting thing though, when people think they are bigger than they are. Did you ever watch that show on TLC or something with Carson from Queer Eye? How to look good naked? He would always have the women draw the outline of their body on a big piece of paper...they couldnt trace themselves, they just had to draw how big they thought they were. THEN he had them stand against the paper and he traced their actual size....all these women thought they were so much bigger!
I saw on FB you were having eggs :)
Ahh Ramona, I am sure you're not alone here. I think as we make the transition from bigger to smaller there's a lot going on in our heads (and eyes?? lol) It's hard to take in all the good bits and discard the bad.
Don't doubt you are doing wonderfully. I also know about 'fat days'. Having just been through one or two myself.. I know now they do pass. Hang in there chicklett.
A lot of people experience that. I was ALWAYS the chick who didn't realize how big she was. I did hate myself but i saw myself as a smudge smaller than I really was. But the year leading up to surgery I saw it, I realized how big I was.
for me, pictures are reality. When we look in the mirror we can rose colored shades on, feel better about ourselves, or even worse. so I had my mom take a few candid pics of me w/ my prior permission but in the moment I had no clue. They were awful! Not sucking in, bending over, just awful! When that sunk in I was more eager to get the surgery.
My sister expereinces this and she only weights 175 lbs w/her highest being 205. Dr. Liz's prescription for your problem: TAKE PICTURES OF YOURSELF! Take a lot. Just your beautiful face smiling, with your friends, in your mirror, in your undies, nakey! Do it all! At first you might hate what you see or you might be somewhat surprised. But I take frequent pictures of me so that my minds eye can accurately see what everyone around me sees. This is beginning to help my sister, it's a slow but steady process.
And if you really HATe what you see in the pics still, I think it helps to pick an area that sucks to you and tell yourself why it's awesome! Why it's yours and why you love it! There is at least 1 reason for every body part. It may take some time, but it's there.
I think it is important you try to work on this sooner than later b/c you won't wake up one day seeing the new skinnier you. It has to be a gradual change. Good luck woman! Let us know how you're doing and feeling about yourself, we're all here for you!
OH and what Amy said- That show, "Love yourself naked" by Carson is a GREAT show! If it doesn't air anymore you should try to find it on youtube. It is amazing what he points out and how much they realize they are wrong about themselves. THAT show would help you a lot tos ee you're not alone and you ARE beautiful!
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